I am Too Scared to I Love You
|Paperback Storyteller: I am Too Scared to I Love You|
“I am too scared to love you,” I said as I got out of the bed. He had a smile that he usually does not put on his face. It was kind of obvious. A relationship that starts and ends with the bed has nothing to do with love and bringing up this topic was awkward, for both of us. My eyes were fixed at him and I constantly tried figuring out his expression when he finally broke the silence. “What do you mean by that?” I knew this was coming. I don’t know if this was a genuine question or he just wanted to know my real feelings. “Well, I cannot love someone who won’t love me back. That’s painful, isn’t it? I would keep on spending nights thinking of you and all I get in return is, nothing. I can’t do this to myself.” I finished hoping that what I said was convincing. The heat in the room was increasing and my heart was almost in my mouth. But probably he wanted to have more of it. “You think I will never love you back?” he raised his eyebrows as he asked me this weird question; and now it was getting really hard for me to keep my voice calm. “If you tell me that you are never going to get over your ex and all you want from me is sex, what do you think I am supposed to understand? I know you will never be able to forget her.” I felt as if someone stabbed me as I completed the sentence. Seeing him love someone else was very excruciating. But I still had to be the pretentious girl who had to wear the mask of happiness to hide her agony. He was looking into my eyes in the attempt of reading my mind. I don’t even know how we reached to a point where we had to have this profound conversation. “What if this wasn’t the case? What if you weren’t afraid of loving me? What if we weren’t just sharing a bed but each other’s life too?” He finished the question without a pause as if he had these questions in his mind for a long time and now he was just shooting them at me. I had no answer to his questions or maybe I just didn’t want to disclose the truth. But in the back of my head, all I was thinking that this is the only time I could tell him about my true feelings without the fear of losing him. I could not let this opportunity go. “If things were different and I had a chance to love you, I would have loved you with all my heart. I would have healed all your wounds and would never make you feel unwanted. Life without you would have been a nightmare and every moment spent with you would have been a dream for me. Yes dear, you are one in a million and one needs a fortune to be with you, to be the one you love.” I had to stop there. I had already said enough and I knew my limits. I forced a smile on my face just to ensure him that whatever I said was under a hypothetical situation and he must not take it seriously. But probably this time words spoke more than actions. I could not look into his eyes but I knew he was staring at me and was preparing his reply to my answer which undoubtedly he did not expect. My heart was beating so fast and the room turned so tranquil that I could hear my own heartbeat. He came closer and what he said changed my abandoned world into a blessed one. “Where have you been till now?” and as he said this, he grabbed my waist and pressed his lips against mine. It was breathtaking. He pulled me into his arms and whispered into my ears “I love you too.” Tears poured down my cheeks as I could not believe this was happening in real. Finally my fears were defeated by our love which was the best thing that happened to me.
- Zareen Haider.
Photo by Kyle Thompson.